Real practice starts when you're home alone ...
We had yet another beautiful evening of Connection Practices. I woke up the next day feeling all broken physically and emotionally and sooo disappointed that I was not in a better mood... Hadn't I just had a great time and done so much meaningful work?!
Yet, the feeling was so present and so heavy that I didn't even want to go there. I kept pushing against it ...
“What am I resisting? After such a full and beautiful evening of connection, what does not want to be seen this morning?” I asked myself.
What came out as an answer was this .... my very first blog to share with the world : )
POST CONNECTION BLUES
Like a sage exiting the stage having just vibed with thousands, feeling high and empowered, aligned with purpose, and imbued with meaning, or so I imagine, I leave the high of the last night’s Connection Practices with a slight emotional hangover... At first, it manifests itself like a simple tiredness and then over night progresses into a headache, restless sleep and this morning upper body aches. I remember the resistance settling in sometime last night as I was trying to explain to myself that it’s 11pm and that it has just simply been a long day. This morning I honor my responsibilities and the demands of my schedule and I press on warrior style. Even after an invigorating meeting with a fellow traveller where I was able to be present and open to the exchange and connect meaningfully, I am still noticing the lingering tentacles of resistance. I am not fully present. My somatic being is more finely tuned that it has ever been in my life and there’s just no way of ‘unknowing’ my state. I feel discomfort and do not want to connect with it. So, my resistance picks up a piece of chocolate. Knowing full well that in a matter of minutes I’ll be flailing like a rag doll from the onslaught of sugar, still, I succumb. Sugar rush is fool proof. I can never fully drop in with sugar in my system. And my resistance loves that. After all who needs this gnawing feeling of ‘I don’t know’ what calling from my guts.
So, what am I resisting? After such a full and beautiful evening, what does not want to be seen?
Here’s a little context. The courageous gentleman, who shared last night about his inner struggle with anger and aggression and feelings of powerlessness and in his view unhealthy ways he developed to cope with it, leaned into his edge so valiantly and gracefully that it was jaw dropping. The group held him in sacred honor of the exploration of his pain where most others would judge and cringe and was equally impressive! There was a dance happening, a weaving of sensibilities in purpose of serving this human and his unfolding as well as serving ourselves through witnessing and reflecting. For me such moments are pure magic ... So where’s the rub? Why the discomfort?
Our energies permeate the space between us. Second hand embarrassment is something I used to suffer from in my early days not realizing that it was a gift being able to attune to the energy of others so directly that it almost feels as your own. So my dear friend, by exposing his naked truth, touched me deeply ... His process shed light upon a layer within me that still has no words to voice its needs. I listened in service of his pain and discomfort and quaked inside with vulnerability of being exposed to my own. My innards full of aggression and unbaked anger want acceptance and love like any other part of me. I haven’t been a good mother I realized ... I have been re-parenting myself actively and consciously this past year and I still seem to treat my anger as an unwanted runt. I thank you, my friend, for bringing me clarity by exposing your own. It was from that clarity that I was able to make a direct request in service of my further exploration of those things unsaid lurking in my gut, churning my intestines daily. So is it any wonder that I am hangover this morning? That my head hurts and my body aches? After all, I have been hit by a semi-truck. Would I be going to work the next day as if nothing happened if I was, indeed, hit by a truck? No.
Aftercare is a golden rule and a MUST for this intangible emotional work. Integration is no joke. I dropped my son at school, went to a meeting, but I also ate heartily, napped almost right after waking, meditated and am now sipping my Teeccino and writing to release and process. Words are my allies and have always been. Water lubricates my emotional joints, so I remind myself to drink plenty of it as well. I plan for a day of rest after each major work be it medicine, somatic practice or deep connection work. If I can’t afford a full day, pockets of care spread throughout the day work as well.
Only once I have recuperated, can the real work actually begin. Implementing the new threads of consciousness surrounding the issue and keeping up with the connections that illuminate and expand is the next step. Reaching out and speaking my new found truth is final and crucial piece in my integration because, for one, I always find that I am not alone. It feels sooo good to know that I am not alone! New solutions usually come to light with clear pointers of what to do and where to go next. I also very often witness this courage becoming contagious. It spreads and inspires others to begin lighting their own inner lanterns in search for the gold.
Tired and achy I wish you happy hunting my friends ... There are quite a few rainbows down there on top of all the gold : ) Now, I am off to my second nap.
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